I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
