so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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