I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
