How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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