You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
