Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
