All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
