i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
