Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
