Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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