I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
