You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize