I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
