I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
