Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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