Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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