when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
