I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
In America we eat man semen.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
