My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
