I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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