I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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