Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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