According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you had me at cake vodka
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
