the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize