so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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