i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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