he puts the penis in happiness.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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