Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
