Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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