My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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