I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
