I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
