I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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