Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
