just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
