i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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