Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You took a bar mat shot.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
