i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize