I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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