My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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