Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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