I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
