Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
