why didn't you poke me back
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
