The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
