dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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