We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
