im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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