i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
