I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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