Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
