Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
