your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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