if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i love accidental penises.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
