I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
