if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
